oFFICIAL WEBSITE OF AUTHOR BRICE PATRICK GORMAN
I wrote a doll parody. It’s a screenplay.
B r i t t a
It's a parody about a living doll who comes
to the LA valley. Humorous flashbacks.
Goofy dialogue. Feet in trouble! Quirky songs.
Want to read a writing sample
of the screenplay? I've posted a
sample. To read just
click here
I will try to advertise and, hopefully, sell a screenplay on the side of my car.
Odds of success? I estimate 2%.
Oh, well, my trip to Saint-Tropez
will have to wait.
A
INSERT: Japanese Ancient Ninja battle music drums. Powerful music with a lot of drums that a Samurai would like.
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The Sumo Wrestler starts pushing the box sideways down the toy aisle, leaving Parents and Little Girls to give each other the “what did we just see?” astonished stare. Even after his large backside turns the aisle’s corner and is out of sight as is the box, the scratching sound of the dragging box against the floor is heard.
The Sumo Wrestler starts to quickly push the box along the tile flooring quicker, with his daughters running beside. Store Employees stare in disbelief and SURPRISED SHOPPERS run and push their carts out of the way.
Inside the box, Britta cringes as the store’s aisles pass by so quickly everything is a sideways blur, and the Ninja Music continues to blare.
Minutes later --
At the front of the store, the Sumo Wrestler tries to push the sideways box and Britta out a front door, but the box is too big. The box bumps against the side jambs, jostling Britta inside.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Employees, SHELL-SHOCKED CUSTOMERS and the Wrestler’s Two Daughters stare with a mixture of cringe, apprehension and curiosity.
Again, and again, the Sumo Wrestler tries to fit the box through various front doors without success. Thump! Bang!
Finally, scratching his head, the Sumo Wrestler gives up, SHRUGS and walks out with two daughters in tow. He leaves the crumpled box sitting alone on its side. Inside, Britta shakes her head back and forth and mouths “what an idiot” as her sideways vantage point of view sees his backside walking away. She mouths “whew!” in relief.
INT. GENERAL GOODS DEPARTMENT STORE CLEARANCE – DAY LATER
Camera passes by a sign CLEARANCE RACK NO RETURNS and
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classical music softly plays. The music: In the Hall of the Mountain King by Grieg plays.
The camera pans sideways slowly by a lot of 1950’s cheap, junk items that are dented or ugly or out of date. Toasters. Jackets. Ugly shoes. Chair leaking stuffing. Cracked dishes. A dented table. A dented box of crackers. Ect, ect.
Slowly . . . slowly . . . camera passes by until . . . .
There she is. Britta standing upright in her very dented, twice torn box, looking sad. Her sunglasses are broken and half off, her ponytail is bent upwards against gravity and the price tag is torn in two. Only one BALLERINA BRITTA earring is still seen. The other’s gone. Even her makeup is smeared. Without blinking, she just stares wide-eyed as if she can’t believe she has been marked down.
Price on the box is marked down to 25 cents. The area is barren of customers, there are no takers.
Classical music cuts off with a SCREECH of a broken record and scene cuts to black.
OPENING CREDITS ROLL
A COLOR CARTOON fills the screen. Everything is in cartoon form as opening credits roll across bottom of screen while GOOFY MUSIC only a doll in a fantasy world could like plays. Movie credits alternate screen time with headlines twirling before camera.
We see the evolution of Britta, from her dawn to her superstar status. One doll in 1958, exhibited at a TOY TRADESHOW.
NEXT --
A fast-running assembly line in 1960 cranking out Britta dolls.
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THEN --
Ben introduced in 1964. He holds a surfboard.
ECT, ECT, ECT --
Accessories (boats, homes, cars, clothing) introduced in the late 1960’s. Everything is PINK or PURPLE.
Cartoon newspaper 1968 headline twirls before camera: TEN MILLIONTH BRITTA DOLL SOLD
A store’s Christmas shelves are empty with a 1970 sign saying SORRY, SANTA CLAIMED ALL OF OUR BRITTA DOLLS.
In the late 1970’s Bens and Brittas of different hairstyles, races, nations appear. They dress culturally correct, such as Lederhosen on the GERMAN BRITTA.
Cartoon newspaper 1978 headline twirls before camera: OVER 100 MILLION BRITTA DOLLS SOLD
Cartoon newspaper 1979 headline twirls before camera: PSYCHOLOGIST SLAMS THE BRITTA DOLL FOR SETTING IMPOSSIBLE PHYSICAL STANDARDS FOR WOMEN
Politically correct Britta dolls introduced in the late 1990’s. A Britta on Crutches. A Britta in a wheelchair. A Britta with acne. A Britta with an extra pinkie.
Britta books and VHS tapes appear late 1990’s. A big seller is the book BRITTA RENTS A COW.
*Cartoon newspaper headlines from the early to mid-2000’s twirl before the camera. We get only a quick glimpse of each headline before the next one twirls into view.*
MORE THAN 200 BRITTA DOLL’S SOLD EVERY MINUTE AROUND THE WORLD
OVER 1 BILLION BRITTA DOLLS SOLD SINCE INTRODUCTION. AT
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AUCTION, ORIGINAL DOLLS FROM 1958 CAN FETCH OVER $10,000.
*ECT, ECT, ECT – MORE CARTOON HEADLINES KEEP DROPPING* -
LINES AROUND THE BLOCK FOR ZATALL’S NEWEST BRITTA DOLL THE RODEO SUPERSTAR EDITION WITH OPTIONAL TWIRLING ROPE
LIMITED HOLIDAY EDITION OF ZATALL’S BRITTA DOLL IN A SLEIGH BEING PULLED BY A FLYING PUPPY SOLD OUT AT MOST STORES
BRITTA DOLLS NOW AVAILABLE IN OVER 300 DIFFERENT OCCUPATIONS INCLUDING PLUMBER BRITTA, ASTRONAUT BRITTA, CHIMNEY SWEEP BRITTA AND THE EVER-POPULAR ICEBERG MOVER BRITTA WITH OPTIONAL TUG BOAT ACCESSORY.
PSYCHOLOGISTS QUESTION THE WISDOM OF BRITTA DOLLS IN OVER 300 OCCUPATIONS WHILE BEN IS ONLY AVAILABLE AS A WEEKEND SURFER.
BRADFORD LIVINGSTON ZATALL, CEO OF THE ZATALL TOY COMPANY WHICH MAKES BRITTA DOLLS, DIES AGE 82 WHILE PEELING AN ORANGE AT HIS WINTER HOME IN HAWAII. WILL BE BURIED IN A PURPLE COFFIN.
ATLAS ORSON ZATALL, NEWPHEW OF BRADFORD LIVINGSTON ZATALL, TAKES OVER AS CEO OF THE ZATALL TOY COMPANY CONGLOMERATE, QUOTED AS SAYING “UNDER MY COMMAND, BRITTA DOLL AND HER TIARAS ARE GOING PLACES!”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHY DOESN’T BEN WORK? CAN’T BEN GET OFF HIS SURFBOARD AND GRAB SOME PART TIME WORK?
ATLAS ORSON ZATALL, C.E.O. OF THE ZATALL TOY CORPORATION, DENIES THE EXISTENCE OF A RUMORED REAL WORLD OF LIVING, BREATHING BRITTA DOLLS IN ANOTHER DEMENSION. “IT’S ALL HOGWASH,” HE’S QUOTED AS SAYING.
Britta
Britta
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ATLAS ORSON ZATALL, CEO OF THE ZATALL TOY CORPORATION, LAUGHED WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF A MAGICAL WORLD OF LIVING BRITTAS IN ANOTHER DEMENSION.
ZATALL EXECUTIVES CELEBRATE OVER 2 BILLION BRITTA DOLLS SOLD SINCE INTRODUCTION AT A LAVISH BEVERLY HILLS HAWAII LUAU STYLE SHINDIG. THE PIG WAS SERVED COLD BUT BRITTA’S SALES HAVE NEVER BEEN HOTTER.
ZATALL’S NEWEST TOY IS SOMETHING FROM THE DARK AGES. A PTERODACTYL COMPLETE WITH BABIES. CEO OF ZATALL, ATLAS ORSON ZATALL, JOKENLY WARNS PARENTS TO KEEP THE BREADCRUMBS LOCKED UP OUT OF SIGHT.
ZATALL CORPORATION ANNOUNCES IT IS EXPANDING TOY LINE WITH MORE DINOSAURS AND A FEW MONSTERS. HEADLESS HORSEMAN SOON.
FOR SOME IT ALL STARTED WITH A MOUSE, BUT FOR THE LATE BRADFORD LIVINGSTON ZATALL, FORMER CEO OF THE ZATALL CORPORATION WHICH MANUFACTURES THE WORLD FAMOUS BRITTA DOLL, IT ALL STARTED WITH A PIECE OF GARLIC BREAD.
OPENING CREDITS END.
CUT TO:
EXT. VARIOUS ROADS AROUND LOS ANGELES – DAY/NIGHT
Blackness.
A huge black theatre screen. We can’t see anything.
Suddenly --
We hear REAL BRITTA, 100% human, her voice echoing in the blackness. Age 27, petite female, more VERY CUTE than sexy. But still hot. Short raven hair, hazel eyes. Has the accent of someone who grew up in the country, Southern Ohio just a stone’s throw from Kentucky. She doesn’t hide it.
REAL BRITTA (V.O.)(O.S.)
(laughs menacingly, foolishly also)
Boo!
(talking pinching nose, nasally)
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(continued)
Take me to your leader!
(more laughing)
I always wanted to say that.
Black screen lights a little, but still darkness.
REAL BRITTA
I’m Britta T(beeped out)y R(beeped out)l
Thatcher.
When Real Britta says her two middle names they are mostly (90%) BLEEPED OUT, we can’t make out what they are. We only hear the T and y and R and l. Later in movie her lengthy entire name is revealed in a sight gag.
REAL RAABEE (V.O.)(O.S.)(continuous)
The only way anyone is going to know
my middle names are when they are on my
tombstone. And, yes, I was named after
the infamous Britta doll. Okay, insert laugh
here. My parents, they ah, smoked a lot
of s(beeped out)it and downed some
moonshine to boot.
When she says the word shit it is partially (25%) BLEEPED OUT, so audience can make out what she was saying.
REAL BRITTA (V.O.)(O.S.)
I’m twenty-seven years old and these
are my nine cars.
Let there be light --
Nine boxes POP UP one by one on the screen, in no order. Inside each box, we see from the hood’s view looking through the windshield from a moderate distance Real Britta behind the wheel. Each box has a different car, but they are all fancy cars and one SUV. Some are imports, roadsters, while others are stately sedans. One is a convertible. Most are BLACK, but one is YELLOW and one is FUSHA.
Some boxes show her driving in daylight, others at night.
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The boxes all share several aspects. Real Britta is bored, traveling fast but not speeding, taking corners fast but safely, she’s an expert at handling these wheels, but having no enjoyment at all driving. Comically, she DOESN’T BLINK, and her head DOESN’T MOVE as she veers around sharp curves. Nor does she smile at all. Just a hum-drum scene, the exact opposite of what would expect from a person driving such fancy wheels.
REAL BRITTA (V.O.)
Oh, why the sharp curves and steep hills?
Well, this is LA. Yep, Los Angeles, and even
though San Fran is infamous for the steep
streets and gnarly hills, LA in my opinion is
top on the charts for steep, winding drives.
There are exceptions, but generally speaking
when it comes to the greater Los Angeles area,
the hillier the more expensive.
EXT – A FARMHOUSE IN RURAL SOUTHERN OHIO – DAY (FLASHBACK)
A serene but old and run down 2 story 1940’s farmhouse with an UGLY SMOKE FLUME bursting from a haggard chimney comes into view pitched on top of A STEEP HILL. Slight fog. Junk in the muddy yard. And old car UP ON BLOCKS with a spider web across the dashboard. This is poverty. This is where she grew up.
REAL BRITTA (O.S.)(V.O.)
That’s a far switch from my origins back in
Southern Ohio, a place I sarcastically refer
to as swamp muck!
Shot of the same old farmhouse from another angle, and we see nearby a decrepit, wooden OUTHOUSE on its last legs. Atop the Outhouse’s pitched, peeling wood roof sits a very dastardly looking turkey vulture, eyeing the surroundings.
EXT.VARIOUS ROADS AROUND LOS ANGELES–DAY/NIGHT (continuous)
Back to 9 screens of Real Britta driving, night/day. View